Blended Family
By Christina McGhee
Remarriage and Step Parenting
Second marriages can be very rewarding. However, they can also be very stressful. According to statistics, second marriages are at greater risk for ending in divorce than first marriages. Therefore, before entering a new marriage make time to discuss your expectations with your prospective new partner.
Issues you may want to consider:
Don't expect your step-children to instantly love you
or even like you.
Be respectful of your stepchildren's feelings and avoid forcing the relationship. Children need time to get to know you before they can establish a meaningful bond.
Don't try to replace children's biological parent.
Even through it may be difficult at times, children need to have their relationship with their biological parent supported by you. Your job as a stepparent is not to be a replacement parent but to be an additional parenting figure. Children can never have too many positive loving adults in their lives.
Despite how you are treated by your step-child's other parent do not involve your step-children in the conflict.
Try to separate the other parent's actions from your relationship with your stepchildren. Remember children may sometimes be caught in loyalty conflicts. In the long run the less you involve them, the more they will feel respected and in turn respect you.
Don't move into the role of disciplinarian too quickly.
Again take time to get to know your stepchildren and develop your relationship first. Ideally the biological parents should be the primary disciplinarians with stepparents filling a supportive role.
Get used to biting your tongue and taking lots of deep breaths.
Being a stepparent is not easy but it can definitely be worthwhile. The bond you create with your stepchildren can become a special lifelong relationship. However, there will be times when you may feel frustrated with your role.
Support your spouse having individual time with their children.
While you are trying to establish yourself as a blended family remember that children still need one on one time with parents. One big mistake second families make is trying to do everything together as a new family which kids sometimes resent.
Photo above found at http://www.relatenow.co.uk/content/relationship-therapy-step-families
Remarriage and Step Parenting
Second marriages can be very rewarding. However, they can also be very stressful. According to statistics, second marriages are at greater risk for ending in divorce than first marriages. Therefore, before entering a new marriage make time to discuss your expectations with your prospective new partner.
Issues you may want to consider:
- What kind of expectations do you and your partner have of each other?
- How do you view each others roles in your new family?
- How will decisions regarding the family be made? Their children? Your children? Discipline? Money? Holidays?
- How will you support each other in your new marriage?
- What will you both do to nurture your new relationship?
Don't expect your step-children to instantly love you
or even like you.
Be respectful of your stepchildren's feelings and avoid forcing the relationship. Children need time to get to know you before they can establish a meaningful bond.
Don't try to replace children's biological parent.
Even through it may be difficult at times, children need to have their relationship with their biological parent supported by you. Your job as a stepparent is not to be a replacement parent but to be an additional parenting figure. Children can never have too many positive loving adults in their lives.
Despite how you are treated by your step-child's other parent do not involve your step-children in the conflict.
Try to separate the other parent's actions from your relationship with your stepchildren. Remember children may sometimes be caught in loyalty conflicts. In the long run the less you involve them, the more they will feel respected and in turn respect you.
Don't move into the role of disciplinarian too quickly.
Again take time to get to know your stepchildren and develop your relationship first. Ideally the biological parents should be the primary disciplinarians with stepparents filling a supportive role.
Get used to biting your tongue and taking lots of deep breaths.
Being a stepparent is not easy but it can definitely be worthwhile. The bond you create with your stepchildren can become a special lifelong relationship. However, there will be times when you may feel frustrated with your role.
Support your spouse having individual time with their children.
While you are trying to establish yourself as a blended family remember that children still need one on one time with parents. One big mistake second families make is trying to do everything together as a new family which kids sometimes resent.
Photo above found at http://www.relatenow.co.uk/content/relationship-therapy-step-families
Living in a Stepfamily: The Child's View
By Paul R. Amato
What is it like to grow up in a stepfamily? This was one of the questions that guided a recent study of children in Australia. As in the United States, the divorce rate in Australia climbed dramatically during the last few decades. Presently in Australia, about one third of recent marriages are expected to end in divorce. (The comparable figure for the United States is about one-half.) Remarriage after divorce is common in Australia, as it is in the United States, and about one child in 10 in Australia lives in a stepfamily.
In the "Children in Families Study," we wanted to find out how children experience life in different types of families. To get the child's-eye view, we interviewed 402 children in stepfamilies, single-parent families, and traditional two-parent families. Half of these children were in PRIMARY school (age 8-9) and half were in high school (age 15-16). These interviews lasted for one hour, on average, and covered many aspects of family life, including relations with parents, rules, punishment, household chores, and family activities. My comments below are limited to stepfather families, since most of our stepfamilies fell into this category.
What did children tell us about living in stepfamilies? To begin with, children in stepfamilies are not very different from other children in many respects. For example, there are no differences between children in stepfather families and traditional two-parent families in how close they feel to their mothers, how much help they receive from their mothers, the number of rules mothers make for them, and how frequently their mothers punish them. In short, the mother-child relationship does not appear to be strongly affected by stepfamily life, at least as far as children are concerned.
Relations between children and stepfathers are, as you might expect, sometimes problematic. Although most children describe their stepfathers favorably, a few are emphatically critical of them. For example, a girl age 9 said, "He smokes and he drinks alcohol - A lot of it. He's not very polite. He swears a lot. Just about every sentence has got a rude word in it." And a 9-year-old boy said, "He's a pretty mean man. Can't think of anything else." Nevertheless, most children report that they get along well with their stepfathers, in spite of occasional disagreements. For example, one 9-year-old boy said, ‘He acts better than my ex-father. He's more intelligent and he doesn't call people names." Another 16-year-old boy said, "He's very caring, takes a close interest in everything I do and helps to see me through at school. He makes sure I get good grades."
We found that the longer a stepfamily has been together, the more positively children describe relationships with stepfathers. In fact, in stepfamilies that have been together for six years or more, the stepfather-stepchild relationship is as close as the father-child relationship in traditional families. This tells us that it takes time to build up trusting and supportive relationships in stepfamilies. Stepfathers are less involved in decision-making and punishment than are biological fathers in traditional families; they prefer to leave the role of "ruIe maker" and "disciplinarian" to the children's mother. However, the longer children live in a stepfamily, the more likely they are to report that stepfathers take on these roles. Over time, from a child's perspective, stepfathers become more like fathers in traditional families.
The quality of the child's relationship with his or her stepfather has many implications. We found that children who have positive relationships with stepfathers have high self-esteem; on the other hand, children with poor relationships with stepfathers have low self-esteem. This underscores the fact that stepfathers become central figures in children's lives - for better or for worse.
Children in stepfamilies have more household responsibilities than do children in traditional two parent families. This appears to be a legacy of their time in a single-parent family when it was necessary for them to help their mothers with household tasks and management. As a result, children in stepfamilies have a relatively high level of everyday life skills, that is, they know how to prepare food, clean, and look after themselves better than do many other children.
Finally, children describe stepfamily life as being somewhat less cohesive than do children in traditional two-parent families. Children in stepfamilies are independent, and there is a tendency for family members to "go their own ways" much of the time. However, the longer the time since a stepfamily was formed, the more likely members are to do things together as a family.
In summary, our study found that most children in stepfamilies in Australia are developing well, although a small proportion are having problems adjusting to stepfamily life. Loyalty conflicts, divergent expectations, and jealousies can interfere with the development of supporting relationships in stepfamilies. Our study shows that it takes time for everyone to settle in, and for some, the amount of time involved may be frustratingly slow.
Photo above from http://www.examiner.com/article/rules-and-lessons-for-a-stepfamily
What is it like to grow up in a stepfamily? This was one of the questions that guided a recent study of children in Australia. As in the United States, the divorce rate in Australia climbed dramatically during the last few decades. Presently in Australia, about one third of recent marriages are expected to end in divorce. (The comparable figure for the United States is about one-half.) Remarriage after divorce is common in Australia, as it is in the United States, and about one child in 10 in Australia lives in a stepfamily.
In the "Children in Families Study," we wanted to find out how children experience life in different types of families. To get the child's-eye view, we interviewed 402 children in stepfamilies, single-parent families, and traditional two-parent families. Half of these children were in PRIMARY school (age 8-9) and half were in high school (age 15-16). These interviews lasted for one hour, on average, and covered many aspects of family life, including relations with parents, rules, punishment, household chores, and family activities. My comments below are limited to stepfather families, since most of our stepfamilies fell into this category.
What did children tell us about living in stepfamilies? To begin with, children in stepfamilies are not very different from other children in many respects. For example, there are no differences between children in stepfather families and traditional two-parent families in how close they feel to their mothers, how much help they receive from their mothers, the number of rules mothers make for them, and how frequently their mothers punish them. In short, the mother-child relationship does not appear to be strongly affected by stepfamily life, at least as far as children are concerned.
Relations between children and stepfathers are, as you might expect, sometimes problematic. Although most children describe their stepfathers favorably, a few are emphatically critical of them. For example, a girl age 9 said, "He smokes and he drinks alcohol - A lot of it. He's not very polite. He swears a lot. Just about every sentence has got a rude word in it." And a 9-year-old boy said, "He's a pretty mean man. Can't think of anything else." Nevertheless, most children report that they get along well with their stepfathers, in spite of occasional disagreements. For example, one 9-year-old boy said, ‘He acts better than my ex-father. He's more intelligent and he doesn't call people names." Another 16-year-old boy said, "He's very caring, takes a close interest in everything I do and helps to see me through at school. He makes sure I get good grades."
We found that the longer a stepfamily has been together, the more positively children describe relationships with stepfathers. In fact, in stepfamilies that have been together for six years or more, the stepfather-stepchild relationship is as close as the father-child relationship in traditional families. This tells us that it takes time to build up trusting and supportive relationships in stepfamilies. Stepfathers are less involved in decision-making and punishment than are biological fathers in traditional families; they prefer to leave the role of "ruIe maker" and "disciplinarian" to the children's mother. However, the longer children live in a stepfamily, the more likely they are to report that stepfathers take on these roles. Over time, from a child's perspective, stepfathers become more like fathers in traditional families.
The quality of the child's relationship with his or her stepfather has many implications. We found that children who have positive relationships with stepfathers have high self-esteem; on the other hand, children with poor relationships with stepfathers have low self-esteem. This underscores the fact that stepfathers become central figures in children's lives - for better or for worse.
Children in stepfamilies have more household responsibilities than do children in traditional two parent families. This appears to be a legacy of their time in a single-parent family when it was necessary for them to help their mothers with household tasks and management. As a result, children in stepfamilies have a relatively high level of everyday life skills, that is, they know how to prepare food, clean, and look after themselves better than do many other children.
Finally, children describe stepfamily life as being somewhat less cohesive than do children in traditional two-parent families. Children in stepfamilies are independent, and there is a tendency for family members to "go their own ways" much of the time. However, the longer the time since a stepfamily was formed, the more likely members are to do things together as a family.
In summary, our study found that most children in stepfamilies in Australia are developing well, although a small proportion are having problems adjusting to stepfamily life. Loyalty conflicts, divergent expectations, and jealousies can interfere with the development of supporting relationships in stepfamilies. Our study shows that it takes time for everyone to settle in, and for some, the amount of time involved may be frustratingly slow.
Photo above from http://www.examiner.com/article/rules-and-lessons-for-a-stepfamily
Website Resources
Stepfamilies Today
http://stepfamiliestoday.wordpress.com
Step Families today is a blog that is a great resource for stepfamilies and for parents to really figure out what will benefit the children involved in the change. In forming a stepfamily there are benefits to becoming a family. They are the freedom to start new traditions; loss of fear of change, development of long-range view, development of teamwork, success and wholeness can come from broken relationships. There are things that you need to do to make this new family work for the children involved. Stepfamilies Today state that age of the children plays a big role in the transition into the new family. Younger children tend to have fewer adjustment problems and older children over the age of 9 tend to have more problems. They suggest parents continue and maintain the same routine that the children currently have to reduce the risk of more adjustment problems. Children seem to have difficulty as to what to call the new individual in their life; they suggest let the child decide whether it be mom or dad, or by their first name. Memories are a huge part of the child’s life. Step Families Today state, “Children bring with them memories from their birth family. They may be in a physical form, such as photographs and books, or they may be intangible memories. Whatever form they take, they are extremely important to the child. The child may want to keep the past memories as part of the new family while the new stepparent wants to establish new traditions. Realizing that the balance is an intricate one will help the stepparent bring together the family to build new memories while allowing the child to hold on to the past.” This is an important thing to allow the children to hold on to and carry with them. The website goes on to touch basis on other issues that involve stepfamilies and how parents can go about helping their children and the best way to maintain structure for the children involved to make it a smooth transition for the child in this new lifestyle they are now being exposed to.
Step-famiies
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/stepfamilies.htm
Netdoctor is a website geared to help parents understand the effects stepfamilies have on children and ways to help soften this big change for the children. When a new partner is introduced into the situation it is an enormous shock for the child. They perhaps can become clingy, resist going to school, suffer insomnia, and have upset stomachs. These are perfectly normal reactions to this situation. Children are worried about what this relationship means and they are worried that it is a temporary change. Netdoctor suggests that the parent provide plenty of time for your child without the new partner always there, do not force the new person on the child as a replacement parent, and allow the children to still spend plenty of time with the other parent. Netdoctor warns parents of this new lifestyle to not expect to much from anybody in the house. It is crucial to let each child involved claim their own territory for sleeping, books, toy, and clothes. As this new family dynamic is formed the parent and stepparent need to stand as a united front when it comes to discipline for the benefit of the children involved. The new partner needs to support and stand up for the parent in front of the kids so the children know they are committed to the same values and rules. When a baby enters the picture of a stepfamily the existing children can become sad and upset and neglected. The best thing to do in this situation is involve the children in the process of having the baby, picking out clothes, picking out names, and all the other things associated with a new baby. The last thing they recommend to make the transition to stepfamily life easier on the children is to be sure to give them extra hug and pay attention to them and make sure they are know that they are loved.
Photo above found at http://stepfamiliestoday.wordpress.com
http://stepfamiliestoday.wordpress.com
Step Families today is a blog that is a great resource for stepfamilies and for parents to really figure out what will benefit the children involved in the change. In forming a stepfamily there are benefits to becoming a family. They are the freedom to start new traditions; loss of fear of change, development of long-range view, development of teamwork, success and wholeness can come from broken relationships. There are things that you need to do to make this new family work for the children involved. Stepfamilies Today state that age of the children plays a big role in the transition into the new family. Younger children tend to have fewer adjustment problems and older children over the age of 9 tend to have more problems. They suggest parents continue and maintain the same routine that the children currently have to reduce the risk of more adjustment problems. Children seem to have difficulty as to what to call the new individual in their life; they suggest let the child decide whether it be mom or dad, or by their first name. Memories are a huge part of the child’s life. Step Families Today state, “Children bring with them memories from their birth family. They may be in a physical form, such as photographs and books, or they may be intangible memories. Whatever form they take, they are extremely important to the child. The child may want to keep the past memories as part of the new family while the new stepparent wants to establish new traditions. Realizing that the balance is an intricate one will help the stepparent bring together the family to build new memories while allowing the child to hold on to the past.” This is an important thing to allow the children to hold on to and carry with them. The website goes on to touch basis on other issues that involve stepfamilies and how parents can go about helping their children and the best way to maintain structure for the children involved to make it a smooth transition for the child in this new lifestyle they are now being exposed to.
Step-famiies
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/stepfamilies.htm
Netdoctor is a website geared to help parents understand the effects stepfamilies have on children and ways to help soften this big change for the children. When a new partner is introduced into the situation it is an enormous shock for the child. They perhaps can become clingy, resist going to school, suffer insomnia, and have upset stomachs. These are perfectly normal reactions to this situation. Children are worried about what this relationship means and they are worried that it is a temporary change. Netdoctor suggests that the parent provide plenty of time for your child without the new partner always there, do not force the new person on the child as a replacement parent, and allow the children to still spend plenty of time with the other parent. Netdoctor warns parents of this new lifestyle to not expect to much from anybody in the house. It is crucial to let each child involved claim their own territory for sleeping, books, toy, and clothes. As this new family dynamic is formed the parent and stepparent need to stand as a united front when it comes to discipline for the benefit of the children involved. The new partner needs to support and stand up for the parent in front of the kids so the children know they are committed to the same values and rules. When a baby enters the picture of a stepfamily the existing children can become sad and upset and neglected. The best thing to do in this situation is involve the children in the process of having the baby, picking out clothes, picking out names, and all the other things associated with a new baby. The last thing they recommend to make the transition to stepfamily life easier on the children is to be sure to give them extra hug and pay attention to them and make sure they are know that they are loved.
Photo above found at http://stepfamiliestoday.wordpress.com
Stepfamilies are more and more common these days. This topic was chosen because my children just went through the divorce process of my husband and me. With that being said my children will most likely be exposed to the stepfamily scenario. I wanted a good base on how to teach them and what to expect when they will have the opportunity to blend our lives with someone else’s life that they have not been around.
The articles chosen were a good resource full of tips and pointers on what stepfamilies can and should do to make the transition easier for the children involved. The first article, “Blended Families” gives pointers on what the stepparent should or should not do to make the transition easier on the kids. In the second article, “Living in a Stepfamily: A Child’s View” it states, “Children in stepfamilies are not very different from other children in many respects. For example, there are no differences between children in stepfather families and traditional two-parent families in how close they feel to their mothers, how much help they receive from their mothers, the number of rules mothers make for them, and how frequently their mothers punish them. In short, the mother-child relationship does not appear to be strongly affected by stepfamily life, at least as far as children are concerned.” This article really dug deep on how the child feels and acts within the realm of living in a stepfamily. Both articles did state that the longer the family is together the more it will appear and act like a normal family.
The pictures were chosen with a child’s view in mind as how they might perceive a stepfamily to be. The first picture is a child’s drawing with two pictures of two families taped together with another baby taped to the side of that. Kids adapt well to situations if adults do, this is a perfect example, the families look happy and normal and to this child this picture is normal to them. The second picture is a collage of words that describe the stepfamily. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of this new family this might be how children feel, but as the years pass all these new things create a beautiful collage as it has in the picture. The last picture is a stepfamily. A mom and a dad and two kids. This is normal. It is a normal picture. A child after time perceives this as normal. As long as children get the long, attention, and respect that they need and want they will not know any other way.
The two websites were chosen because they helped identify ways to help children and the effects that stepfamily living could have on the children involved. They gave good information, so that couples thinking about marriage and forming a stepfamily could review and help the children make the best transition into the situation as possible.
The articles chosen were a good resource full of tips and pointers on what stepfamilies can and should do to make the transition easier for the children involved. The first article, “Blended Families” gives pointers on what the stepparent should or should not do to make the transition easier on the kids. In the second article, “Living in a Stepfamily: A Child’s View” it states, “Children in stepfamilies are not very different from other children in many respects. For example, there are no differences between children in stepfather families and traditional two-parent families in how close they feel to their mothers, how much help they receive from their mothers, the number of rules mothers make for them, and how frequently their mothers punish them. In short, the mother-child relationship does not appear to be strongly affected by stepfamily life, at least as far as children are concerned.” This article really dug deep on how the child feels and acts within the realm of living in a stepfamily. Both articles did state that the longer the family is together the more it will appear and act like a normal family.
The pictures were chosen with a child’s view in mind as how they might perceive a stepfamily to be. The first picture is a child’s drawing with two pictures of two families taped together with another baby taped to the side of that. Kids adapt well to situations if adults do, this is a perfect example, the families look happy and normal and to this child this picture is normal to them. The second picture is a collage of words that describe the stepfamily. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of this new family this might be how children feel, but as the years pass all these new things create a beautiful collage as it has in the picture. The last picture is a stepfamily. A mom and a dad and two kids. This is normal. It is a normal picture. A child after time perceives this as normal. As long as children get the long, attention, and respect that they need and want they will not know any other way.
The two websites were chosen because they helped identify ways to help children and the effects that stepfamily living could have on the children involved. They gave good information, so that couples thinking about marriage and forming a stepfamily could review and help the children make the best transition into the situation as possible.
Emerging Issues...
Stepfamilies are becoming more and more prevalent within the country and the world. How do we as a nation adjust to this and how do we make this easier on the kids involved? It’s easy, we adapt. Couples who are dating should introduce the kids to each other and make sure you can form a successful family and all get along when you start to fall in love with each other. The bond needs to start prior to the walking down the isle and the “I do’s.”
Rebellion is an issue that should be watched when stepfamilies are being formed. Each child needs love and attention. If they are not receiving as much as they feel they need they will rebel to have the attention back on them. This is the issue that needs to be watched. Parents need to make sure each child is getting the love and attention they need, and if this is happening then a family will form and everyone involved will be happy and it will be normal and it will not be an issue, if the love and attention is not there this will be an issue and lead to bigger problems.
Rebellion is an issue that should be watched when stepfamilies are being formed. Each child needs love and attention. If they are not receiving as much as they feel they need they will rebel to have the attention back on them. This is the issue that needs to be watched. Parents need to make sure each child is getting the love and attention they need, and if this is happening then a family will form and everyone involved will be happy and it will be normal and it will not be an issue, if the love and attention is not there this will be an issue and lead to bigger problems.