Types of Discipline Styles
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Parenting Styles
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Is there a Right and Wrong way to Discipline?
One parent recently asked: "What to do when parents discipline in completely different ways?" While there is no right way or wrong way, you both have to rise above the arguing and disagreements.
The truth is, neither of you (if alone) would do the wrong thing all the time. Better to present a unified message to your kids than look weak or disagreeable. I recommend letting one parent take charge and let him/her do it in their way (other parent steps aside). This works better for kids seven and up (as younger kids need more consistency). Then you talk (privately) with your spouse to hammer out the rest. All the research shows that disagreeing and conflict is much worse than inconsistency. Besides, as your kids get older, you can say “Daddy does things differently – but when I’m with you it’s my rules” (and vice versa). They will see two different approaches to raising their own kids someday(Rao, A.) .
Photo above from http://anthonyrao.com/articles/?p=123
The truth is, neither of you (if alone) would do the wrong thing all the time. Better to present a unified message to your kids than look weak or disagreeable. I recommend letting one parent take charge and let him/her do it in their way (other parent steps aside). This works better for kids seven and up (as younger kids need more consistency). Then you talk (privately) with your spouse to hammer out the rest. All the research shows that disagreeing and conflict is much worse than inconsistency. Besides, as your kids get older, you can say “Daddy does things differently – but when I’m with you it’s my rules” (and vice versa). They will see two different approaches to raising their own kids someday(Rao, A.) .
Photo above from http://anthonyrao.com/articles/?p=123
When Parents Discipline with Different Styles
By: Lisamarie Sanders
We've often heard the phrase presenting a united front in relation to disciplining children, but must parents always agree about discipline? Can a mom and dad with two completely different parenting styles come together with regard to discipline? How important is consistent discipline for kids?
Differences of Opinion on How to Discipline KidsExperts agree that although agreement on all discipline issues is the ideal, complete consistency is nearly impossible. Ray Levy, Ph.D, author of Try and Make Me! (Rodale Press 2002), says, "Sometimes you'll find parents who are pretty close, and that's nice, but it's really rare." However, he adds, there usually isn't a tremendous disparity when the parents' relationships with each other and the children are healthy. "One parent might want the kids in bed by eight, while the other might prolong the bedtime routine so they don't get to bed until eight-thirty." He says this type of difference is common and nothing to worry about.
"When there are wide discrepancies, usually that's a sign of another problem," Levy says. For example, if one parent says it's time for bed, and the other parent ignores bedtime and starts an activity with the child, there may be something more going on. In these cases, Levy suggests getting the help of a third party, such as a trusted family member, close friend, or professional counselor. "With any kind of huge disparity you need to get help," he says.
Levy says that for most kids, presenting a united front isn't as important as we may think it is. "It depends on the temperament of the child," he says. "My wife and I have a child with an easygoing temperament. We don't always agree on discipline, and that's OK because our daughter knows how to negotiate and she's fine with it."
However, some children, especially those with difficult temperaments, need the consistency that comes from a united front. In this case, Levy encourages parents to come together to tackle one issue at a time. "Pick one battle (to fight as a united front) and win it," he says. "Then move on to the next." Success reinforces the unified front and will help you move on to bigger battles.
Parenting Styles on Toddler to Teenage DisciplineBecause parents grew up in different households, they often have different ways of thinking about discipline and dealing with discipline issues. For example, one spouse may have been raised in a family of yellers, while the other was raised in a family that discussed misbehavior and enforced logical consequences. Naturally, these parents are likely to have different discipline styles.
Susan Fletcher, a licensed psychologist and relationship expert in Dallas, believes that experiencing different parenting styles is good for children. "It benefits kids if parents have different styles because, if you think about it, they're going to encounter different personalities for teachers, peers, and bosses, and they need to learn to adapt to different styles."
However, she adds, parents should still have some sort of discipline plan. "You have to agree on the basic routines, but you don't always have to agree on the way you implement them," she says.
Working Out Parents' Issues PrivatelyMany parents, like Vicki Main, a mother from Gig Harbor, Washington, think it's best to be unified in front of the children and discuss differences privately. "[My husband and I] decided that we had to back each other up, even if one didn't agree with what the other was doing," Main says. They believed that having their disagreements behind closed doors rather than arguing in front of their daughter would help the child respect both parents' authority.
Courtney D. Knowles, a spokesperson for the Institute for Equity in Marriage, agrees with this philosophy. "If you and your spouse were having a problem with an in-law, you wouldn't choose to talk about the problem and how you were going to solve it in front of that person," he says. The same is true with your children. He suggests, "Make a private space to discuss the situation so you are on the same page and you're presenting a unified front instead of an argument."
However, Susan Fletcher believes that disagreeing in front of the children can be helpful. "When we don't have a united front, it's an opportunity to teach our kids negotiation skills and respect for each other," she says, both of which are important life skills.
These skills are not taught by arguing and trying to win your partner over to your side, though. When you present your spouse with "Let me tell you why I think it's okay," or "Come on over to my side and agree with me," you're trying to defend yourself, and focusing on the issue, not the relationship. "And when you do that," Fletcher says, "you're teaching your children to argue with you."
Instead, she says, parents should work out a compromise. Suppose, for example, that dad wants to color with his daughter, but it's bedtime. Mom might begin an unproductive argument like this: "This is not a good time for coloring. It's bedtime and she needs her sleep. You can color with her tomorrow." A better way of handling the situation, one that teaches negotiation and respect, might go something like this: "Let's get into our pajamas and brush teeth now, and then you can color with Daddy in your room for a little while." This alternative meets the needs of both parents.
"In business we always find a way to negotiate. We should work for that in our families, too," Fletcher says.
Agree to Disagree on Some Parenting IssuesSometimes, however, no matter how hard we try, a compromise cannot be reached. "It happened to us," says Fletcher. Her husband felt strongly that their children should have an allowance. She felt just as strongly that they should not. "We agreed to disagree," she says. "Sometimes kids can have an arrangement with one parent independent from the other parent."
In Fletcher's case, her husband set up an allowance for the children, but it doesn't involve her. "If we're in the store and my son doesn't have enough money for what he wants, I will not give him an advance on his allowance. That's an arrangement he has with his father not with me." She says her children understand this arrangement, and so they don't even ask.
The Last WordWhile it is a good idea to continue working toward a unified front, it is important to acknowledge that agreeing completely all the time is little more than a dream for most of us. Ray Levy suggests that parents evaluate their kids. "If they're doing all right at home, at school, and with their peers, then OK- if the parents don't always agree, I wouldn't make a big deal of it."
Photo above from: http://www.eduguide.org/library/viewarticle/1611
We've often heard the phrase presenting a united front in relation to disciplining children, but must parents always agree about discipline? Can a mom and dad with two completely different parenting styles come together with regard to discipline? How important is consistent discipline for kids?
Differences of Opinion on How to Discipline KidsExperts agree that although agreement on all discipline issues is the ideal, complete consistency is nearly impossible. Ray Levy, Ph.D, author of Try and Make Me! (Rodale Press 2002), says, "Sometimes you'll find parents who are pretty close, and that's nice, but it's really rare." However, he adds, there usually isn't a tremendous disparity when the parents' relationships with each other and the children are healthy. "One parent might want the kids in bed by eight, while the other might prolong the bedtime routine so they don't get to bed until eight-thirty." He says this type of difference is common and nothing to worry about.
"When there are wide discrepancies, usually that's a sign of another problem," Levy says. For example, if one parent says it's time for bed, and the other parent ignores bedtime and starts an activity with the child, there may be something more going on. In these cases, Levy suggests getting the help of a third party, such as a trusted family member, close friend, or professional counselor. "With any kind of huge disparity you need to get help," he says.
Levy says that for most kids, presenting a united front isn't as important as we may think it is. "It depends on the temperament of the child," he says. "My wife and I have a child with an easygoing temperament. We don't always agree on discipline, and that's OK because our daughter knows how to negotiate and she's fine with it."
However, some children, especially those with difficult temperaments, need the consistency that comes from a united front. In this case, Levy encourages parents to come together to tackle one issue at a time. "Pick one battle (to fight as a united front) and win it," he says. "Then move on to the next." Success reinforces the unified front and will help you move on to bigger battles.
Parenting Styles on Toddler to Teenage DisciplineBecause parents grew up in different households, they often have different ways of thinking about discipline and dealing with discipline issues. For example, one spouse may have been raised in a family of yellers, while the other was raised in a family that discussed misbehavior and enforced logical consequences. Naturally, these parents are likely to have different discipline styles.
Susan Fletcher, a licensed psychologist and relationship expert in Dallas, believes that experiencing different parenting styles is good for children. "It benefits kids if parents have different styles because, if you think about it, they're going to encounter different personalities for teachers, peers, and bosses, and they need to learn to adapt to different styles."
However, she adds, parents should still have some sort of discipline plan. "You have to agree on the basic routines, but you don't always have to agree on the way you implement them," she says.
Working Out Parents' Issues PrivatelyMany parents, like Vicki Main, a mother from Gig Harbor, Washington, think it's best to be unified in front of the children and discuss differences privately. "[My husband and I] decided that we had to back each other up, even if one didn't agree with what the other was doing," Main says. They believed that having their disagreements behind closed doors rather than arguing in front of their daughter would help the child respect both parents' authority.
Courtney D. Knowles, a spokesperson for the Institute for Equity in Marriage, agrees with this philosophy. "If you and your spouse were having a problem with an in-law, you wouldn't choose to talk about the problem and how you were going to solve it in front of that person," he says. The same is true with your children. He suggests, "Make a private space to discuss the situation so you are on the same page and you're presenting a unified front instead of an argument."
However, Susan Fletcher believes that disagreeing in front of the children can be helpful. "When we don't have a united front, it's an opportunity to teach our kids negotiation skills and respect for each other," she says, both of which are important life skills.
These skills are not taught by arguing and trying to win your partner over to your side, though. When you present your spouse with "Let me tell you why I think it's okay," or "Come on over to my side and agree with me," you're trying to defend yourself, and focusing on the issue, not the relationship. "And when you do that," Fletcher says, "you're teaching your children to argue with you."
Instead, she says, parents should work out a compromise. Suppose, for example, that dad wants to color with his daughter, but it's bedtime. Mom might begin an unproductive argument like this: "This is not a good time for coloring. It's bedtime and she needs her sleep. You can color with her tomorrow." A better way of handling the situation, one that teaches negotiation and respect, might go something like this: "Let's get into our pajamas and brush teeth now, and then you can color with Daddy in your room for a little while." This alternative meets the needs of both parents.
"In business we always find a way to negotiate. We should work for that in our families, too," Fletcher says.
Agree to Disagree on Some Parenting IssuesSometimes, however, no matter how hard we try, a compromise cannot be reached. "It happened to us," says Fletcher. Her husband felt strongly that their children should have an allowance. She felt just as strongly that they should not. "We agreed to disagree," she says. "Sometimes kids can have an arrangement with one parent independent from the other parent."
In Fletcher's case, her husband set up an allowance for the children, but it doesn't involve her. "If we're in the store and my son doesn't have enough money for what he wants, I will not give him an advance on his allowance. That's an arrangement he has with his father not with me." She says her children understand this arrangement, and so they don't even ask.
The Last WordWhile it is a good idea to continue working toward a unified front, it is important to acknowledge that agreeing completely all the time is little more than a dream for most of us. Ray Levy suggests that parents evaluate their kids. "If they're doing all right at home, at school, and with their peers, then OK- if the parents don't always agree, I wouldn't make a big deal of it."
Photo above from: http://www.eduguide.org/library/viewarticle/1611
Website Resources
Parenting Styles- The Four Styles of Parenting
http://psychology.about.com/od/developmentalpsychology/a/parenting-style.htm
This website offers information on the 4 different parenting styles. It goes into detail regarding the effect each parenting style has on children as they grow up. About.com talks about how it is important to work together as parents and come to a common ground when disciplining. It talks about how and why people have different parenting styles based on the way each individual was raised.
Today's Parent's- How to Discipline with Different Parenting Styles
http://www.todaysparent.com/parenting/how-to-discipline-with-different-parenting-styles
This website talks about how each parent can have different parenting styles when it comes to disciplining your child. It talks how when disagreeing remembering that your partner has the same intentions you do, to help the child understand. The website gives four suggestions to get on the same playing field when it comes to disciplining when both parents have different styles they are: get on the same page, limit disagreements by carving out turf, agree to disagree, and form a united front. If parents can work together it makes for a happier home and a much easier time when it comes to disciplining children.
Photo above from http://www.todaysparent.com/parenting/how-to-discipline-with-different-parenting-styles
http://psychology.about.com/od/developmentalpsychology/a/parenting-style.htm
This website offers information on the 4 different parenting styles. It goes into detail regarding the effect each parenting style has on children as they grow up. About.com talks about how it is important to work together as parents and come to a common ground when disciplining. It talks about how and why people have different parenting styles based on the way each individual was raised.
Today's Parent's- How to Discipline with Different Parenting Styles
http://www.todaysparent.com/parenting/how-to-discipline-with-different-parenting-styles
This website talks about how each parent can have different parenting styles when it comes to disciplining your child. It talks how when disagreeing remembering that your partner has the same intentions you do, to help the child understand. The website gives four suggestions to get on the same playing field when it comes to disciplining when both parents have different styles they are: get on the same page, limit disagreements by carving out turf, agree to disagree, and form a united front. If parents can work together it makes for a happier home and a much easier time when it comes to disciplining children.
Photo above from http://www.todaysparent.com/parenting/how-to-discipline-with-different-parenting-styles
This topic of parenting with different discipline styles was chosen for a variety of reasons. Having different discipline styles really effects everyone involved. If parents cannot parent and discipline as one it will cause contention in your marriage, then in your family, and down to all the children. If children see that you do not agree they will tend to put one parent against the other when it comes to discipline. The topic was chosen on a personal level as well. When raising children with an x-husband we never agreed on parenting techniques. When a child would make a choice a discipline style would be used and then would be over stepped by my x-husband and the punishment would be changed. This caused confusion among the children and it also caused a non-united front when it came to disciplining the children. I wanted to be informed as to know what is the best way to combine different discipline styles because no one agrees on everything.
The articles were chosen because they identified the issues of parenting with different parenting techniques. They discussed the importance of why parents should stand united while disciplining. It talks about compromise and letting each adult have the opportunity to discipline and let the other stand back and observe and not always have to be right. There is no correct way to discipline; there are ways that appear to be more effective to each of us, but it does not mean that all the other ways are wrong. The second article talks about the importance of parents working the issues out privately rather than in front of the children. Children always need to see parents supporting one another even if they don’t always agree with one another.
The pictures and websites were chosen because they appeared to support the ideas that were being discussed in each article that were chosen to better understand disciplining with different parenting styles. The websites supported the ideas from the articles and talked about the importance of backing each other up and talked about the different forms of parenting and the advantages and the proven disadvantages for each form. Most of all the websites, supported the ideas of giving each parent the opportunity to parent and allowing the other parent the opportunity as well. They reassured the readers that everyone is different and has different ways of disciplining, but no way is wrong, but even if you do not agree you need to support one another, especially in front of the children.
The articles were chosen because they identified the issues of parenting with different parenting techniques. They discussed the importance of why parents should stand united while disciplining. It talks about compromise and letting each adult have the opportunity to discipline and let the other stand back and observe and not always have to be right. There is no correct way to discipline; there are ways that appear to be more effective to each of us, but it does not mean that all the other ways are wrong. The second article talks about the importance of parents working the issues out privately rather than in front of the children. Children always need to see parents supporting one another even if they don’t always agree with one another.
The pictures and websites were chosen because they appeared to support the ideas that were being discussed in each article that were chosen to better understand disciplining with different parenting styles. The websites supported the ideas from the articles and talked about the importance of backing each other up and talked about the different forms of parenting and the advantages and the proven disadvantages for each form. Most of all the websites, supported the ideas of giving each parent the opportunity to parent and allowing the other parent the opportunity as well. They reassured the readers that everyone is different and has different ways of disciplining, but no way is wrong, but even if you do not agree you need to support one another, especially in front of the children.
Emerging Issues...
When it comes to discipline and parenting techniques parents are never going to always agree. This is the biggest issue with this topic. When parents do not agree they cause a riff in the family and a riff in discipline. It allows the child to gain control of the situation, and not the parent. Children will take advantage of this emerging and ongoing issue. When this does not become an issue anymore within the family then parenting styles and discipline techniques will co-inside by the support of each parent and the family will be happy.
Issues will always arise when it comes to raising children. The most important thing is that parents stand united and together and support one another every step of the way. This is difficult, but children must learn and know that you support and stand by the decisions and discipline techniques used by one another. If this can be done children will be raised and learn how to behave, be happy, and act appropriately. Stand tall and support one another.
Issues will always arise when it comes to raising children. The most important thing is that parents stand united and together and support one another every step of the way. This is difficult, but children must learn and know that you support and stand by the decisions and discipline techniques used by one another. If this can be done children will be raised and learn how to behave, be happy, and act appropriately. Stand tall and support one another.